How to learn to say “no”
“Except for you, I have no one to ask.”
“We can entrust this task only to such an unsurpassed expert as you.”
“Can’t you help?” Strange, and Mr. Johnson spoke so well of you.”
“We are counting on you very much. We hope that you will not fail us.”
Sounds familiar? These are some of the most common techniques that manipulators use to get what they need from you. But it’s not about them, it’s about you. Why do you allow to be manipulated and why do you fulfill someone’s requests to the detriment of your own needs? Most often the reason is your inner limitations and fears. Here are some of them.
1. You are afraid to hurt people’s feelings, especially when a loved one is asking for something
For example, when you come to visit your mom, is it possible to refuse her “house special” soup when she offers you a bowl? It doesn’t matter whether you are slimming or just had dinner with friends in a restaurant. Honestly, I myself am not good enough at saying “no” in this case.
What to do?
Suggest an alternative. It is not necessary to say a decisive “No!” In the case of your mom’s soup, you can try to agree on a green salad or a cup of tea.
If, for example, a colleague asked you to help him or her with the report, but you do not have time, suggest another time or another day. But what if you just do not want to take on someone else’s work instead of your own? In this case, you can do the following. Advise the colleague to ask your supervisor to reprioritize your tasks. Or to release you from a particular task so that you can help the colleague with the report.
Thus, you are not saying “no”, but offering different solutions to the problem so that they do not infringe on anyone’s interests.
2. You do not want to upset your relations with someone
Indeed, it is quite difficult to say “no” to your boss or an influential colleague. But in an attempt to avoid conflict, you often enter into a conflict with yourself. And the consequences can be deplorable, down to illnesses, when your physical body will already demand to stop doing what you are doing.
What to do?
Ask yourself: “What am I risking if I say “no”?” If you are afraid to upset your boss and get fired, then perhaps you should not say “no” to him or her. But if you constantly work late and that spoils your relationship with the family and undermines your health, then think: have you set your priorities correctly?
Perhaps, it makes sense to openly say: “Unfortunately, I cannot do this, because today I plan to leave at exactly 5 PM”. By the way, no one has the right to fire you if you are acting within the framework of the labor code.
Lifehack
Instead of “I cannot do this” practice saying “I DO NOT do this”. For example: “I do not work on weekends” or “I do not stay in the office after 5”. In this case, you are not justifying yourself but voicing out your principled stand. And a strong person who does not intend to sacrifice principles is always respected.
3. You are afraid of being rejected
Each of us needs approval and love. For fear of becoming suddenly unwanted or unappreciated, we try to please everyone. But, first of all, you will never be able to please everyone. And secondly, do you really think that by becoming “a yes-man” you will gain other people’s respect? Rather, on the contrary – you will be considered a weak-willed person, ready to dance to anyone’s tune.
What to do?
First of all, learn to recognize the manipulation. There will always be people who will plead for your sympathy and kindness. “If you do not lend me the money, I won’t be able to pay the mortgage this month, so I’ll end up on the streets.” In some cases, it is enough to express your regret and say a firm “no” without going into details, for example: “I’m sorry to hear that, but I’m not going to lend you the money.”
A more gentle way to refuse, which, as a matter of fact, is suitable for almost any situation is to explain the reason why you cannot help:
“Unfortunately, I cannot help out with the money – we just bought an expensive tour for the whole family.”
“I’m sorry, today I cannot stay any longer – I have a doctor’s appointment”.
Politely explain the reason instead of justifying yourself. It’s up to you whether this is going to be a true reason or fictional. But ideally, it must be true. Otherwise, you risk losing trust, and it will take a long time to restore your reputation.
Here are some more ways to say “no” which will save both your time and relationships with people:
- Find out the deadline for the task
Ask the person how urgently he or she needs help. Refer to the fact that you need to plan your day or week. If the help is needed “here and now”, and you are not ready, just say that. It is also useful to ask how long it will take to resolve the issue. It often happens that the request “Can I bother you for a minute?” eats up an hour or more of your time. Therefore, agree on the timing in advance.
- Delegate
It’s unlikely that you are the only person in the world who can help. If you know someone else who, from your point of view, is well versed in the topic, recommend referring to this person. And sometimes it is enough to advise the right literature or give a link to the site with the right answers.
The ability to say “no” is a skill that, like any other, comes with practice. I’m not saying you should go to extremes and say “no” to anybody who asks you for help. Helping people is very important and it also feels good in most cases. But if the request causes you discomfort or you for some reason cannot help this time, do not hesitate to say “no”. There are many ways to do this, and here are the ones we examined in this article:
- Offer an alternative option – another time, a smaller amount of help, asking the management to reprioritize your tasks, etc.
- Explain the reason why you refuse. Ideally, it should be a good reason and a true one.
- Say “I DO NOT do this” instead of “I cannot do this”.
- Learn to recognize manipulations and in this case say a firm “no” without going into details.
- Discuss the timing in advance. Do not settle for immediate help if you are busy. Explain that it is important for you to plan your time.
- Delegate: recommend to seek help from another person, literature or Internet.