How to turn your opponents into allies
The English military historian and theoretician, Captain B.H. Liddell Hart, studied the methods and victories of the great strategists of the past, especially Sun Tzu and Napoleon. He came to the sensational conclusion that only 6 out of 280 military campaigns ended with a victory as a result of a direct attack on the enemy. It’s only 2%. The rest of the victories were the result of the so-called indirect approach: outflanking, surprise effect, psychological techniques – anything, except for a direct attack.
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B.H. Liddell Hart stated that the indirect approach strategy can also be applied in business and in interpersonal relations. Fortunately, we are not living in wartime, and there are no enemy armies to fight with. But still, you can have opponents who criticize you or simply dislike you.
I am not talking about some strangers from the Internet who leave angry comments under your posts. I don’t view haters as opponents because they just assert themselves at someone else’s expense. Therefore, if their criticism is not constructive, it should not be taken into consideration at all.
By opponents, I mean, for example, your colleague, who dreamed of a promotion which you got instead of him or a competitor whose clients started buying from you. Can you ignore these people if you are working with them in the same company or doing business in the same market? It is possible, but in this case, you both will feel uncomfortable. The best tactic here is to turn opponents into allies. And here’s how you can do it:
1. Create the right communication framework
A conversation is a chess game. Your opponent’s move will depend on your move. The communication framework is the context, the initial setting that you create so that the conversation develops in one way or another. For example, if you start a conversation with something like: “For how long are you planning to behave this way?”, do not be surprised that the further dialogue will fail.
Try to start with this option instead: “Thank you for taking the time to meet.
I understand how busy you are”. Thus, you immediately express respectful attitude to the opponent, show that you appreciate his or her time and are ready for a constructive conversation.
2. Summarize the opponent’s point of view
This method was widely used by the 16th US President Abraham Lincoln. Before becoming President, he was a successful lawyer. At the beginning of his defensive speech, he briefly stated the opposite side’s point of view. He recognized its strong points and noted that their position deserved full attention.
The people who attended those court sessions remembered that if someone had entered the courtroom at that time, they might have thought that Lincoln represented the prosecution. Thus, he won the favor with the judge and the jury, showing: he does not strive to win the case at any cost; he recognizes both points of view and just tries to get to the bottom of the truth. Then he stated the position of the defense, doing it just as consistently and convincingly, and … won the lawsuit.
The Lincoln method can help you to disarm your opponent. Summarize their position, mention the issues which you agree with, say that you understand their feelings and reasoning. This will weaken the opponent’s defense, he or she will understand that you did not come to attack, but to consider the problem from different sides.
3. Redirect the opponent’s attention
If you had a conflict with a colleague in the office, it’s no good dealing with it right on the spot. Both you and the office are the sources of irritation for him. First, suggest talking somewhere else, for example, invite him to a restaurant for lunch. Second, try to help him shift to a different perspective.
An excellent example of “redirection” was the situation in Xerox Corporation. The management invited a young expert John Clendenin to fill a high-ranking position in the supply department. At the same time, a person named Tom Gunning was working at Xerox, who hoped to get this position himself but eventually became Clendenin’s direct subordinate. No wonder Gunning disliked the new boss from the start. Then Clendenin invited Gunning to dinner and said: “I didn’t put you in this position. Xerox put us both in this position.”
Such a technique is quite acceptable. It is something similar to what illusionists do. When you are watching their performance, you understand that the man is not a magician, he simply distracts your attention at the right time. And yet it does not make you feel deceived.
This tool helps you ease the tension between you and the opponent, and also show that you are in the same boat.
4. Use reciprocity
The good old networking rule “give before you get” works in this situation too. Do something useful for your opponent. I do not mean slipping on his good side. You just recognize his skills and show the willingness to cooperate.
For example, Clendenin invited Gunning to attend executive-level meetings. This allowed Gunning to gain authority and get necessary connections. As for Clendenin, he gained a chance to receive valuable advice from the company’s experienced old-timer. Thus, this proposal has become a win-win situation. By the way, later, when Clendenin moved to another Xerox branch, he appointed Gunning as his replacement.
Do not try to trample your opponents or competitors. If a person is engaged in the same business as you, why not invite him to speak at your event or create a joint project. Both of you will benefit from this much more than from constant struggle.
5. Try to be rational and not emotional
When someone attacks you, a natural reaction is to defend yourself or fight back. But, as B.H. Liddell Hart noted, direct attacks rarely lead to a victory. Emotions often come into conflict with common sense, so try to control them. I explained how to do this in the article “Emotions under control. How to boost your emotional intelligence”.
Your rationality, on the contrary, encourages your opponent to think rationally too. You can openly tell him that you would like to see him as your ally. Back it up with the facts proving that it will be beneficial for both of you. Do not ask the person to respond instantly. Instead, arrange to meet again and discuss everything.
The thrill of the competition is good for sports. But I am sure that rivalry in business is unproductive. Therefore, I always say that I have no competitors, only partners. If you also want to turn your rivals into allies, use these methods:
- Create the right communication framework, that is, the initial setting that helps the conversation flow in the right direction.
- Summarize the opponent’s point of view, mentioning the strengths of his position that you agree with.
- Redirect the opponent’s attention helping him shift to a different perspective.
- Use reciprocity: make an interesting business offer or something else useful for the opponent.
- Control your emotions and try to be rational. You can openly tell your opponent that you would like to see him as your ally, and give reasons why your cooperation will be more beneficial than rivalry.